BEAR DOWN: THIRD AND LONG
The Nagy Project is over. The Mitch Trubisky Era ended, but the real culprits still remained through the fucking pandemic!!! The great depression. But why? Why do they torture us so? Because we can stand it? Because we care? Because we’re strong like that? Or maybe 'cause we’re gullible fools? We buy jackets and hoodies and Bears gear. Bears shit. Bears memorabilia of a time long ago, but not forgotten. Why can’t we see that the entire organization is a bunch of old dip-shits? I love the mom, so I’m not even going to go there but that fucking kid of hers, Jesus. He so much as said, “I don’t know shit... I’m just a fan.” Damn. You put your pointer finger together with you thumb and middle finger and you kiss ‘em and go mmmmmmuah. Have I said that before??? I must have because that’s how the Chicago Bears always make me feel, even when they’re not
playing!!! I’m a fan too, but I’m not a dipshit. I’m the grumpy old drunk uncle that mumbles how much I know better. What’s wrong with that? I’ll tell you! I don’t own a fucking multi billion-dollar organization! One that has nearly doubled in value since this whole fucking debacle started only 6-7 years ago... I get to scream at my rabbit ears on my lazy boy, because I care, I’m drunk and I’m not just a fan I’m the president!!! That’s what he should have said.
And then sold me some more hair tonic with a Bears logo on it. I knew about Ryan Pace 5 years ago when he made that unbelievable move in the draft. I can’t go into detail as talking about it makes my hands shake and chin quiver. Ok fuck it, you would have gotten Mitch without the trade, come on! And then getting rid of this catastrophe wouldn’t even be that big of a deal. Now we’re looking at THIRD AND LONG and going for it on fourth down and a drunken lazy uncle is throwing Nerf balls into the neighbor’s yard. Nagy, Nagy, Nagy, I knew of you in the first year! You lied to us week after week trotting out a $10,000,000 bust no one would ever give that type of money to, because the kid was NEVER going to be ready and now the “uncoachable” child you muffed a lifetime of drafts for is a broken finger away from starting in the SUPER BOWL!!! I know I’m getting ahead of myself with that but let’s not forget, I’m drunk, I’m lazy and that’s my brother’s kid.
AND it can happen...
Dip-shit organization. For years they hired a GM that won’t get re-hired anywhere and a Head coach that will never be one again. Let me back up a couple weeks though and personally thank The Project, Matt Nagy. He literally made me $1000. I bet $25 on the Lions +2.5, Under 46.5 and Jimmy Graham to catch a touchdown. He did and the score ended up 16-14 in favor of the Bears, but in the most ridiculous manner in the history of the NFL. Let me repeat before I explain. They won in the most ridiculous way, IN THE HISTORY OF THE NFL. At the end of that game I realized I was about to win a HUGE, idiotic/genius bet because the Bears on first and goal, the 4 yard line to be exact, decided to kneel down 3 times in a row. That should tell you everything. I wish I could
make it more dramatic, but when I tell you that my entire being was in a state of confusion... Even as I write this now it gives me the same sickening feeling boiling up the same as I remember because my beloved Bears were going to win and I was going to make $1000 even though I kinda bet against them and I’m rambling again. Let me try and get it out. It was disgusting to watch and so underwhelming to win such a huge odds bet I obviously can’t even explain it well. The “how they won” was sickening... we’ll leave it at that. I knew that day it was over, even though I didn’t believe all the talk. I just hoped Pace was going with him... Lazor too, fuck it!!! And hopefully the shitty, gray mustached, silver spooned child would get demoted to janitor if not at least publicly spanked. (Kinda was with that press conference.)
But I want to say this, I hope for the Bears to go big, to get weird and to go with somebody crazy in the Head Coach position. I hate Jim Harbaugh but that’s because my sister went to Michigan University at the same time he did and I heard stories of the person not the athlete. I do like the Leslie Frazier idea, if crazier isn’t out there. But General Manager? I don’t really give AF about 'cause I don’t really get that position. In any field of work, it’s bullshit. “General Manager”? Think about it.... Way to broad and “general.” And come on... nobody is gonna ever live up to Kevin Costner in Draft Day, ironically. But you can’t get any worse than the mooch we had in there. I was a general manager once. Multi-million dollar Orthodox Jewish, steak and sushi restaurant, family joint. And when I fucked up, the owner would come in with his grandkids and slap me or at least give me the look and shake his head in front of the customers. It’s going to be a dip-shit organization for a long time or at least till momma has a come to Jesus meeting, which is long over due.
-Nicholas Conlon, Chicago K.O.