“Bear Down!” Is what a Viking says after he shoots a bear in the woods! I hear the bear scream, ‘BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY…” and then it dies before it can finish. Yes… Don’t question me, Bears and Vikings speak English, let’s imagine that every play will clear the way to victory. At least 4 times a year, sometimes 8, the Bears will WIN!!!(They lost and will probably not win another game this year) But, it’s incredible to watch if they only play “defense” and only on first and second down. I mean, this would be the greatest television watching in the history of the medium! The Chicago Bears are the most incredible team on defense on the first and second down. Just get up and get a sandwich on 3rd down and you won’t ever be disappointed. Just fat.
I don’t actually know the stats but when I watch, it’s player X and Y (Literally I think their names were X and Y) we had 14 guys on the Covid list this week, but the guys playing were jumping around, pointing and screaming and pounding their chests because they made a basic, fundamental tackle that the offensive player only got 8 yards on while being up 2 touchdowns with only 3 minutes remaining in the game!!! GO! Watch!!! It’s the greatest!!! They put up a fight so fearlessly on those first 2 downs that it’s like magic is in the air. Like Christmas comes early every single week!!! Pure pride and joy of Illinois, Da Bears, they haven’t won a Super Bowl since 1986.
Ironically my family calls them The Baby Bears, mixed in with a few expletives. But every week we watch them. We paint our faces, we eat incredible tasting food that is absolutely horrible for you, we drink shitty beer made in our neighborhood and we scream at our TVs the same things we tell our kids not to say. We literally torture ourselves, EVERY. SINGLE. WEEK. And for what? To watch a kid nearly kill himself on every single slide? Please tell me that everyone else is seeing that too… I mean Justin Fields did have 2 great slides in the game Monday night but he nearly kills himself the rest of the time. Which makes me think, why aren’t offensive lineman on the cover of Madden Football videogames? Without them, he dead. They’re all dead. Like dead, dead. That’s what makes The Patriots, Packers, Chiefs and Buccaneers great teams as of late. They protect the quarterback. And they get to the other teams quarterback on crucial downs. I swear I could hear Marc Trestman singing “Bear Down!” on the sidelines while calling plays Monday night. We sing that song in bars and say things like, “conservative play calling” and I don’t think we actually understand what we’re talking about… And neither do the players really. It’ always the same old same old trained talky talk of clichés and idiosyncrasy’s that are tired as the day is long.
But there is one thing I heard that really clicked and it came from the most yawn inducing broadcast booth in all of sports television. It sums up how I feel about the Chicago Bears; “Before you can win you have to learn how not to lose.” That’s not happening here. They’re losing, they’re not learning. It makes it hard to watch and hard to write about. Obviously I had a hard time with this article and this game and I got really depressed after the Bears and player “Z” scored a touchdown. Is that weird? Should I go talk to someone? That’s what I tried to do here. But I couldn’t even garner a coherent thought because I’m just spewing out the same torture that was handed to me Monday night and every single week!!! I’m a tortured Bears fan and I believe we all are and if you’re not, well then you is not a Bears fan or you is not human.
So FINALLY, here’s my real question; did anyone else feel as yucky as I did when the Bears scored a touchdown?